TWINS WIN I QUIT

Confident that I AM worthless as a mother; I sat on the side of my bed and cried. I come to the same monthly decisions; who gets paid? What Am I able to afford for the house and how am I going to move around with nothing left over. I phone a friend to lift my blues. I begin to cry again; then I am angry at myself for crying. I am angry that I AM angry, AGAIN; I AM ANGRY. I do not want to be, I want to be positive. But I am finding it challenging to find the positives. Between my personal challenges, my sensitivity and my broad scope of civic society; i find little or no solace in my world.

In my anger I reached out to a friend, a friend who knows me and offers me a vision of myself to help me thru my hardtimes. Before we get to that remembrance, we go thru me venting. Which sounds like; " I do not know how to be a professional, a parent and a social butterfly at the same time. Those are three very different gears for me. So I tell her; "I know women have been doing this for as long as women have had babies, but I am not adjusting well to being a single parent." I also tell her, "it was different with my son; but with my twins it is just different and for every black bitch that said "I don't need a man; Imma strong black woman"; I could line them up one by one and slap the pure DEE shit out of them. I have never wanted a "Man" so bad in my life. I will explain "Man" a little later. Right now, my focus is these children I have created and my adjustment or lack thereof to parenting them on my own.

After the grief and tears; she always asks "so what now Maka?". I normally have answers and many which address various issues. But, for me and my single parenting dilemma, I have none. I share with her that it is a constant mindphuck of I AM doing the best I can, but I should not have to do this on my own. I go on to say that the worst part of it is the reality that my babies were created by a man whose greatest desire is to hurt me. This means the children lose lose because if my state of being is negatively affected; so is theirs.  I try to explain this to their father; to no avail.

Their father is an older man who I thought was "safe", I was extremely vulnerable at that time. My error; life had been really hard and I thought I could love this man and create a good life for me and my son---my daughters were not born. I share this because I frequently find myself angry at myself for being in this position. I love my daughters; I just never saw myself raising my child(ren) alone, this is my achilles heel. I cannot seem to get over the fact that the decisions I made, in a very vulnerable state, caused me to be "left" doing this enormous job all by myself. I call bullshit.

So, how do they win; because I submit---I submit to parenting without all of the answers. I submit to my dark side; which creeps up in the weirdest ways at times; I submit to the love of Creation that consistently reminds me that it will not forsake me. I submit to the fact that if I can make myself show up-----I allow Creation the opportunity to show out for me. I submit to the fact that "My Life" is a journey and not a destination. I envision that my good days will outweigh my bad ones.

In closing, TWINS WIN, I QUIT; trying to hide behind the veil of image and begin to live in the space of continuous source, granting me ReSource and abundance.